Monday, June 2, 2014

Melted Resolve

I belong up there and not down here. This is what my body tells me every day. I play games with my body and try to trick it but it gets the last laugh. Only it knows what's left for me. I don't want to go too soon but  now would be good.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


I admire people who genuinely speak of their faith without batting an eye. I mean people whose foundation was strong in their faith and that faith carried them through the hardest of times. I admire that they can say with every fiber of their being that life exists after death and that there is an almighty creator. I am not sure about my faith.

I was raised Catholic and the tenants of Christianity are the strongest fibers of my foundation but it was in this foundation that my most painful memories come from. My mother used God as a weapon in an unloving way and when she did that it crushed my spirit and rattled my faith. Other somebodies tried in loving ways to help me but the injuries were grievous.  I am not mad at my mother because I know without certainty that she was mentally ill. I know that she prayed everyday of her life and tried to make sense of her own faith. She was one of the faithful but she was also sick. Her faith was a stone of judgment. I know that she loved me but I spent my life in constant fear of what illogical thing she would do or declare next. I had no touchstone for faith save hers but hers was scary and emotional and lacked orderly continuity. Its hard to move past that. Crazy was the normal and crazy just doesn't work for me and the God I need to believe in.

I started to think about what God I do accept and it really comes down to no ones. At least no one immortal's definition. I accept the God that I know exists every time I see a small child do something kind. Every time I see someone do something selfless and loving for another being human or otherwise. It comes down to the goodness that happens when someone is hurting and their burden is lessened by the loving replies. It comes down to love. Its the whisper in my ear and the humming in my heart when I am most peaceful.

It is love that I have faith in. It is love that carries me through my burdens as I have faced and continue to face. It is the love of my friends, my family and the people who I beg God I will see again, those that have traveled before me and those that will come after me. That is my faith and for now that is all I can do. I know that I am a Christian and I know that this is the right thing for me. So I put crazy a way for a while and I just try on something a little bit lighter with a little less judgment. In the end its all about love any way, isn't it?

Monday, December 2, 2013

Last Night

It truly hit me that I am in hospice. I realized that my only goal now is to make it through winter. I've told everyone about my status and I am not keeping anything a secret. I cried for myself because I needed to. Some days it feels surreal. When I see people I wonder now if it is the last time I will see them, especially if they are from out of town.

What happens when you die? Is there life after death? Does heaven exist? Does hell exist? I don't have the answers to any of this. 

Monday, September 30, 2013

Time before the Rest

Sunset Over The Ocean: 
Photo by Photographer Madalina Iordache-Levay

Magpie Tale 188

Return into the foam 
Want a nip?

fetal cold blue beds
shallow shallow recovery

sleep until the sleep is icy with 
your last respiration

Tear less for
Humanities Swan Song iteration

Gibran said it best,
"There are no graves here. 
These mountains and plains are a cradle and a stepping-stone.