Friday, March 4, 2011

not sure what to do here

Okay bloggers and blog readers, I need your advice. First let me start out by saying that many of you know that my mother passed away in December on the 18th. For those that didn't know, here is the skinny. She was 65 years old and helped me everyday for the past five years.

I spend my days in a wheelchair with advanced stages of limb girdle muscular dystrophy. She stopped working as a private duty nurse at age sixty to come live Steve and I. We built a home and outfitted it with everything we need to making caring for me easier. Yet it still is a very difficult job. I wonder at times if it was all that she did to help me that over worked her. The very thought breaks my heart.

Half way through the time that she lived with us, Steve had heart failure due to a severely leaking heart valve. He had open heart surgery and she was right there helping him through that. In the end her own heart stopped and she died two days before her 66 birthday and 7 days before Christmas.

Now for my dilemma, I am not sleeping at night not even with a sleeping pill. I am crying each and every day. Yesterday I got a card in the mail from the hospital where she died. Although I am certain that her death occurred in my living room. The hospital is having a memorial service at their chapel next Thursday the 10th and I really am conflicted. I don't want to go but I do. I miss her a lot. My brothers have both said that they will not be attending. I think I should go because someone should go, right? I have never heard of a hospital doing something like this. Does anyone have any insight on this? I am hurting and I just don't know what to think or do.



8 comments:

thingy said...

Kristen, I am sorry you are in so much pain.

Perhaps you will find solace at this memorial. But, don't go because you feel obligated in any way.

I will be thinking of you.

Kristen Haskell said...

Thank you. This invitation really threw me off. I want so much to move through this grief and try to post interesting things on my blog but two days now I've been dead in the water. I get a lot of comfort in writing and when that starts to dry up I know I am in trouble.

Tumblewords: said...

Kristen, I'm so sorry. Loss is difficult enough without having to make this sort of decision. If you want to go, do. If you want to go only because you feel you should, don't. I've never heard of this kind of thing before, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Take care.

Myrna R. said...

Kristen, I wasn't fully aware of all your hardships and health challenges. I can see why you are so grateful to your Mom.

As a Mom myself (almost 65) I can tell you that what she did she did because she loved you and if she could she would do it again. I know that all she ever wanted was your health and happiness, and she still does. She knows you don't need a ritual memorial to remember her. But, if it soothes your grief she would like you to attend. If not, it won't matter to her.

Kristen, occasionally I did some grief counseling for hospice. I don't mean to overstep my boundaries, but you may benefit from some form of grief counseling just to help you release some of the stress that goes with it. My heart truly goes out to you and I pray your pain will soon subside. I am honored that you found time to send me some moral support when my difficulties pale in comparison to yours.

Lydia said...

I had no idea you lost your mother or that you have such medical challenges, and your husband too. My sympathy to you in your mom's death, which under the circumstances would be more difficult than for many.

Question: is the memorial service a service for only your mother, or is the hospital honoring all those who passed in a defined time? Our local mortuary prints memorials in the local paper for all who died one year ago each month. That is why I am wondering if this is a broader service than for only your mother. If that is the case I don't think you would need to give it a moment's thought because others will be honored and there will be others there to honor them. If it is for your mother only I wonder if you might consider contacting the public relations person at the hospital and discussing your situation with him/her. You might find a supportive listener that way...and maybe they might consider canceling the service altogether.

As an aside, when my mother died in 2000 here in Oregon my sister who lives in Indiana did not make the trip for the memorial service. Perhaps some wondered about her decision, but I fully understood.

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JamieDedes said...

Kristen, I am deeply grieved to learn what you have had to deal with and now your mom's death. My first impulse on reading this, beside the pain of it, is that this only happened a few months ago. Grieving doesn't pass that quickly. It feels almost like you are pressuring yourself to let it go, and it's just too soon.

My mom died some fourteen years ago. Every once in a while, something comes up and I am just crushed. It might be her birthday. Or someone who reminds me of her. My sister died over forty years ago and each year around the time of her death I write poems to or for her.

As far as the memorial, you certainly should not feel constrained to go if you don't want to. The memorial that matters is the one in your heart.

Lastly, might you seek some grief counseling?
Hugs!

Suz said...

Kristen, keep writing no matter what..you have a wonderful talent.
I agree with Lydia, I think this is a general memorial for all who have passed away in a given time. Our hospital had one when my aunt passsed away..it confused us. It was for all that had died that month. Go if you think it will help you find solace.
Loving thoughts I send you
-suz