Friday, January 28, 2011

Do I Write for Me?

Another fellow blogger stated to me that her blog was for her and if people choose to read it so be it but the writing is hers. I never thought about the writing belonging to me. I always thought the writing was for the benefit of the reader. Even if you have no readers, it still belonged to them, doesn't it? I realize now that the writing must belong to me. So if you choose to read what I write wonderful but be warned I am staking claim on this and now it belongs to me. So here goes...





I have been crying a lot. Everything makes me cry right now. I almost can't stand myself or the sadness that seems to be emitting from my pours. There is a well of salt water that seems to permanently brim my lower lids. I can't get it to stop. I try to think about other things but everything good or bad makes me cry and even the happiest things hold some level of sentiment and that makes me cry too. I wonder if you can cry out all the tears you are allotted in this life because I think I must be getting pretty close to doing just that.

I sometimes think I want to jump out of my skin and never be allowed back in. But then I know what that loss feels like on a different level and that's anxiety producing, if ever anything ever was. Change is hard. My life has changed in away that I can't change back. I want things to change back but then that wouldn't be life in all its authenticity. If the painful things could be removed from life feelings wouldn't be necessary and they are necessary.

Someone once told me that you can think yourself crazy. So I tried that. I tried not to think about the things that were making me crazy and divert my attentions elsewhere and you know what I learned from doing that? That the opposite is true too. "You can not think yourself crazy and end up numb and get yourself good and stuck." It is a stagnent pool of quicksand, that option! More damage is done with stuck then with motion. At least it seems that way for me. I tend to lean toward the stuck. Cautiously hanging back, waiting to see what will happen. Usually nothing happens and the situation remains right where it is but all covered in the dust of resentiment.

I think I need to move through this I don't want to be stuck. The tears can flow for a while and I will accept that but at some point I sincerely hope this pain will wash through me and leave me for at least a little while...I don't see that I really have a choice in the matter. They flow no matter what I am doing or no matter where I am. They are just an accessory for me right now.

24 comments:

Jingle Poetry said...

only one blogger said so, ignore,
continue what you do,
smiles...

be worry free...
Thanks for sharing.

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