January 10, 2009
The day before my birthday you unfriended me in Facebook. I had never even heard of Facebook before you invited me to join. When you contacted me about joining facebook, I thought that you were ready to get to know me. I felt that if you were a little older when we made contact you would be ready emotionally to form a friendship. I realize now that you are not emotionally ready, just as I wasn't when we lived in the same town.
If you have something to say to me that is not pleasant or polite, something that made our past exchanges feel fake to you then you just need to say it. I kept things light between us because I felt that you needed to be the one to ask the questions or not. If you are angry that I placed you for adoption because you think that I did not want you, I am deeply sorry for that. I wanted you, the truth is I could not care for you. I could not have you have less than the very best for your life.
Making that decision forced me to put my feelings aside. Letting you go was devastating for me. Honestly it still is. At the time I had no skills, no job and no home. Your birth-father was an alcoholic. He did not want to be a father and made that very clear to me. I am certain the environment I just described to you is hell. I know what hell looks like. I grew up without my dad and a mother with no skills or job. She lived on the edge of an abyss and I lived there with her. I worried daily about whether there would be food, lights, or a roof over my head. I was nine when this worry settled into my bones like a necessary mineral. I was forced to live in survival mode. I had no childhood and neither would you had you stayed with me.
I have never gotten over letting you go. I am afraid I never will. With that said, I have decided that this situation is hurting me too much. I feel that I must try to let you go permanently now. I am not sure that it is possible but I have to try. Your Christmas photo signed love, Janice with nothing more is like have a wound that never heals. All year I anticipate its arrival. When it arrives, and the tears of joy at seeing your beautiful face with a family of your own, subside, I am left with a scab that has been ripped open and covered in salt. The pain is just too great.
I know that you are doing well and have a loving family and that is all I ever wanted for you.