Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Letter Unsent

January 10, 2009

Dear Janice,

The day before my birthday you unfriended me in Facebook. I had never even heard of Facebook before you invited me to join. When you contacted me about joining facebook, I thought that you were ready to get to know me. I felt that if you were a little older when we made contact you would be ready emotionally to form a friendship. I realize now that you are not emotionally ready, just as I wasn't when we lived in the same town.

If you have something to say to me that is not pleasant or polite, something that made our past exchanges feel fake to you then you just need to say it. I kept things light between us because I felt that you needed to be the one to ask the questions or not. If you are angry that I placed you for adoption because you think that I did not want you, I am deeply sorry for that. I wanted you, the truth is I could not care for you. I could not have you have less than the very best for your life.

Making that decision forced me to put my feelings aside. Letting you go was devastating for me. Honestly it still is. At the time I had no skills, no job and no home. Your birth-father was an alcoholic. He did not want to be a father and made that very clear to me. I am certain the environment I just described to you is hell. I know what hell looks like. I grew up without my dad and a mother with no skills or job. She lived on the edge of an abyss and I lived there with her. I worried daily about whether there would be food, lights, or a roof over my head. I was nine when this worry settled into my bones like a necessary mineral. I was forced to live in survival mode. I had no childhood and neither would you had you stayed with me.

I have never gotten over letting you go. I am afraid I never will. With that said, I have decided that this situation is hurting me too much. I feel that I must try to let you go permanently now. I am not sure that it is possible but I have to try. Your Christmas photo signed love, Janice with nothing more is like have a wound that never heals. All year I anticipate its arrival. When it arrives, and the tears of joy at seeing your beautiful face with a family of your own, subside, I am left with a scab that has been ripped open and covered in salt. The pain is just too great.

I know that you are doing well and have a loving family and that is all I ever wanted for you.

Most sincerely,

Helena Robinson

9 comments:

Vicki Lane said...

A sad situation -- it may just take time.

Jinksy said...

What a heartrending letter. I sincerely hope that a decision to love and let go yet again will bring Helena peace, if she is not a fictional character. If she is, the same applies, anyway! :)

Everyday Goddess said...

Even if they are not physically in each other lives, they have so much energy between them. I hope it resolves fore everyone's highest good.

Myrna R. said...

So sad. Life.

Jingle said...

sorry for what happened.
best wishes.
let go and move on, smiles!

senderupwords said...

I must admit I came here to read your Magpie but this piece really moved me. I pang for my unborn child every day for almost nineteen years now. Thank you so much for having the courage to write this. My positivity and hugs being universally sent, right NOW! Thank you. Love and Light, Sender

Lydia said...

Read your letter after your magpie (a nice magpie) and wanted you to know that I think you are brave and unselfish in the way you let her go the first time. And in a good way you are brave and selfish in letting her go now. Your life seems to have been difficult and it is time for self care. May the letting go bring you peace.

steveroni said...

A post such as this tears at the heart of the heart of whoever reads.

This HAS happened more times than we would ever guess, all over the globe.

LET GO, AND LET GOD seems like a trite statement. But He DOES have the Power to change lives, and to facilitate reconciliation among those who have that desire.

PEACE!
Steve

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