Tuesday, October 7, 2008

living within the limits

At times I really get disgusted with muscular dystrophy. Most days I do okay with it but the number one thing I absolutely hate about it is having to live without spontaneity. Back in the day (Before MD) I was a free spirit and I could go and do whatever I felt like doing. If I wanted to go walk on the beach, I went. In fact, without going into too much detail I did most things on the spur of the moment. I miss that.
Right now at this very minute if I could do anything without limits I would pack a bag, get in my car and drive away. I would pull a Forrest Gump. I would drive until I wanted to go back home and that might take years. I would go see everything I ever wanted to see but for whatever reason did not see it.

I remember driving to June Lake and I wanted to see Death Valley but I didn't. I would go see it. One time I wanted to see Hearst Castle. I drove right by it but did not stop. I would go see that too. I lived in Southern California for most of my life and did not make it to half the places I always wanted to see. I also never traveled to Europe, Asia or South America. I have never been to an Island. At 20 I had the opportunity to go sailing to Catalina on a private yacht with an unhappily married handsome 40 something man and I couldn't do it because he was married. If I was 20 I would do it now and I wouldn't even feel bad about it. Of course all I would do is go sailing as long as he was married to someone else and of course I wasn't yet married.

I had many opportunities as a young woman to live free and some I did but looking back most I didn't. I feel sad about that. I guess you are not suppose to regret your decisions. The ones you make when you are 18 or 19 or 20 but now at 41, I sometimes fantasize about what my life might have been like if I made opposite decisions. Sometimes I wonder what my life might have been if I was born to different parents. Now I realize more than ever that it is because of who my parents are as people that I made the decisions that I did.
All very interesting thoughts that do nothing at all except make me write my novel and answer those very questions in the lives of my characters.

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